Hello? Oh wait...

I’ve been living in Switzerland for three years as of this coming Friday. And I still can’t seem to get the hang of Swiss phone etiquette.

The problem is, if I don’t recognize the number of the caller, I’m not sure how to answer it. Should I answer the American way, with just a “Hello”? The professional English-speaker way, with my first and last name? Or the Swiss way, with “Frau X”, said in a tone that’s as threatening as possible?

No matter the decision, it’s usually the wrong one and I end up with silence on the other end while the caller gets over their initial “greeting shock” and tries to figure out how to talk to a crazy person like me.

This morning was no exception. I went with the professional English-speaker version of “hello” and heard nothing but silence on the other end.

Then, after about five seconds, the caller cleared her voice and said, “Frau X?” I answered, “ja” and then, relieved by my one German mumble, she blabbed full-steam ahead in Swiss German.

Finally, when she came up for air, I told her I understand “not so good” Swiss German and could she please repeat everything in High German. After that, all was klar (at least as klar as it was going to get), and just when I was congratulating myself for surviving yet another Swiss phone call, she says, “Auf Wiedersehen, Frau X.” And I know that I’m supposed to answer back, “Auf Wiedersehen, Frau Y.” Except I can’t remember her name because my brain was too busy processing the whole phone etiquette/language thing only to result in being a failure at both.

So I say a simple “Auf Wiedersehen,” leaving out her name and then hang up and curse the phone.

When it comes to the foreign phone experience, I’ll never win. The only thing all of us living abroad can do is continue to encourage e-mail use. It really is the best technology for foreign communication, where we have the two things we need most on our side: time and google translate.