Talking Shit

Sometimes I wonder why I can never seem to get anything done on my days off. Today, at least, it’s because I’m dealing with shit. Literally.

I finally get down to editing an essay I am working on. Then, when I’m finally getting somewhere on it, I look over and see I have company.

A bird. Who’s sitting happily on our family room armchair.

Now I am all for big, wall-sized Swiss windows that open like doors, but the whole lack of screen thing is a little third world. Especially since there’s a lack of air conditioning along with it.

Due to this, I have two choices in the summer. Sweat to death. Or live like I’m on a campground.

It’s one thing to be chasing around huge bees and wasps while you’re trying to work. It’s another to have to deal with birds.

As I’m trying to get the bird to get off the armchair, he poops with no remorse and then flies to sit on our houseplant. I open the windows as wide as they’ll go and try to get him outside. But he flies the other way, bouncing right off the opposite window.

He doesn’t die. Instead he hides behind the armchair, probably soiling the curtains while he’s at it. So I run to the kitchen to try the breadcrumb thing. No luck. Finally he tries out the other houseplant. I wave him off and he flies toward me, almost hitting me in the head, causing me to scream. And then, finally, he flies out the windows.

Can I get back to work? No. Because I have to open Google and research how to get bird poop off furniture. But all I can find is a product called Poop-Off, definitely a U.S. product. So I give up and try the dish soap approach. We’ll see how that turns out.

Yep. Another day of life in Switzerland. How time flies. Especially when you’re chasing things that also do.